大马色路上，那道光击碎了我所有的确信

I Am Saul , The Most Devout Persecutor

My name is Saul, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Pharisee among Pharisees.

If you ask me who I was before, I can lay my credentials before you: "Circumcised the eighth day, of the stock of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, an Hebrew of the Hebrews; as touching the law, a Pharisee; Concerning zeal, persecuting the church; touching the righteousness which is in the law, blameless." (Philippians 3:5-6)

Did you hear that? Blameless. I am not boasting. In those years studying under Gamaliel, I memorized the entire Torah, never broke a single commandment on the Sabbath, tithed down to the mint, dill, and cumin. Among the Pharisees, no one was more serious than I was.

But being serious was not enough. I wanted to burn with zeal for God.

When I first heard that a group of people were proclaiming a crucified Nazarene as the Messiah, my blood boiled. The Messiah hung on a tree? The Torah clearly states: "His body shall not remain all night upon the tree, but thou shalt in any wise bury him that day; (for he that is hanged is accursed of God;) that thy land be not defiled, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance." (Deuteronomy 21:23). These people were not preaching good news , they were blaspheming God!

So when the Sanhedrin decided to stamp out this heresy, I was the first to volunteer.

The day Stephen was stoned to death, I was there. I did not throw the stones myself , I guarded the garments of those who did. I watched him kneel. I watched the stones strike him one by one. His face was covered in blood, but his face ,

Brothers and sisters, I do not like to admit this, but that day I saw a face I have never been able to forget. His face was like the face of an angel. As he was dying, he said, "And he kneeled down, and cried with a loud voice, Lord, lay not this sin to their charge. And when he had said this, he fell asleep." (Acts 7:60)

A man being stoned to death was praying for the men killing him.

I pushed that thought down. I told myself: this is the devil's deception. The more something looks like an angel, the more dangerous it is.

So I persecuted even more furiously.

I went house to house. Men and women alike, I dragged them off to prison. I threatened them, demanding they deny that name. Some did deny it , I saw the shame and agony in their eyes. Some refused , I saw in their eyes a peace, a peace that I could never possess no matter how hard I tried.

I hated that peace. Because I did not have it.

I thought I did. I thought keeping the law and burning with zeal was peace. But every time I saw those I had arrested singing hymns of praise in chains, a voice inside me whispered: They have something you do not.

I pushed that voice down deeper.

On the Road to Damascus

Jerusalem was not enough. I heard that there were followers of the Way in Damascus too, so I went to the high priest for letters of authority to bring them back in chains.

It was a long journey, about six days. The whole way I was planning how I would interrogate them, how I would convict them. My heart was full of righteous anger , or so I thought.

Then the light came.

Brothers and sisters, I cannot describe that light with words. The noonday sun was already blazing, but that light was brighter than the sun. It did not come from one direction , it shone all around me. As if the entire sky had torn open and all its light poured down.

I fell to the ground.

Then I heard the voice:

"Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?"

He called my name. Twice.

I lay on the ground, trembling. I asked, "Who are you, Lord?"

I already knew. The instant that light struck me, all my certainties shattered , my knowledge of the law, my Pharisee credentials, my zeal, my righteousness , all of it crumbled to dust. Because if this light was from heaven, if this voice was the voice of God, then I had not been persecuting heretics. I had been ,

"I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting."

The crucified Nazarene. The one I had declared cursed by God. The one whose name I had fought with all my strength to wipe from the earth.

He is Lord.

Brothers and sisters, can you imagine what I felt in that moment? It was not an epiphany. It was the ground giving way beneath me. Everything I had ever done , my devotion, my zeal, everything I took pride in : was not merely worthless. It was aimed in exactly the wrong direction. I thought I was serving God. In truth, I was persecuting God.

I was the most devout sinner in the world.

Three Days of Darkness

After the light, my eyes were blind.

My companions led me by the hand into Damascus. For three days and three nights I could see nothing. I neither ate nor drank.

Do you know what I was thinking during those three days?

I thought of Stephen's face. I thought of every person I had dragged to prison with my own hands. I thought of those who had died because of my persecution. Their names , every one , echoed in my mind.

I had been persecuting Jesus. Every believer was part of His body. When I struck them, I struck Him. When I bound them, I bound Him.

In three days of darkness, I finally understood one thing: the law can reveal sin, but the law cannot save. I had spent my whole life keeping the law, and all it had done was show me how hopeless I truly was. "Therefore by the deeds of the law there shall no flesh be justified in his sight: for by the law is the knowledge of sin." (Romans 3:20).

I also understood something else: He did not strike me dead.

That light could have reduced me to ash. After all I had done, I deserved destruction a thousand times over. But He did not. He asked me "Why are you persecuting me?" : that was not a sentence of judgment. It was a father's question to a prodigal son.

Ananias Came

On the third day, a disciple named Ananias came.

I later learned that the Lord had told him in a vision: Go to the street called Straight, and find a man from Tarsus named Saul. Ananias said, "Then Ananias answered, Lord, I have heard by many of this man, how much evil he hath done to thy saints at Jerusalem:" (Acts 9:13).

Brothers and sisters, think about it , if someone told you to go find a man who specialized in arresting Christians and lay your hands on him in prayer, would you go?

Ananias went.

He came in, placed his hands on me, and said a sentence that brought me to tears:

"Brother Saul."

Brother. He called me brother.

This man , the very man I had come to Damascus to arrest , called me brother.

"And Ananias went his way, and entered into the house; and putting his hands on him said, Brother Saul, the Lord, even Jesus, that appeared unto thee in the way as thou camest, hath sent me, that thou mightest receive thy sight, and be filled with the Holy Ghost." (Acts 9:17).

In that moment, something like scales fell from my eyes. I could see again. But what I saw was no longer the world I had known , I saw an entirely new world. When I was blind, I thought I could see. Only when I could see did I realize I had been blind all along.

I rose and was baptized.

Grace Upon Grace

Brothers and sisters, if there is one person in all of Scripture least qualified to be used by God, it is I.

I am not like Peter, who denied the Lord out of fear , Peter at least loved the Lord. I actively, systematically, and zealously persecuted the church of Christ. My hands were stained with the blood of saints.

Yet He chose me.

Not because of any good in me. Not because of my learning , though I was indeed trained under the finest teacher, Gamaliel. Not because of my zeal , that very zeal nearly made me an eternal enemy.

He chose me precisely to display all His patience in me, the foremost of sinners.

"This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief. Howbeit for this cause I obtained mercy, that in me first Jesus Christ might shew forth all longsuffering, for a pattern to them which should hereafter believe on him to life everlasting." (1 Timothy 1:15-16).

Did you hear that? As an example to those who would come after. If even Saul could be forgiven, if even a persecutor of the church could become an apostle : then no one is beyond the reach of grace.

What I Once Counted as Gain

In my letter to the Philippians, I wrote these words. Let me say them again now:

"But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ," (Philippians 3:7-8).

Rubbish.

My Pharisee credentials , rubbish. My education under Gamaliel , rubbish. My blameless record under the law , rubbish. Not because these things were bad in themselves, but because when you use them as substitutes for Christ, they become the very barriers that keep you from knowing God.

I once thought I stood in the light. In truth, I stood in darkness. That light knocked me down and blinded me , but the irony is, only after I was blinded did I truly "see."

To Every "Devout Persecutor"

Brothers and sisters, if you are reading this ,

Perhaps you do not persecute the church as I did. But perhaps you and I share a common problem: you believe your own righteousness can save you.

Perhaps you are a very good person. You follow the rules, do good deeds, never harm anyone. Your record, laid out for inspection, is "blameless." But do you have that peace in your heart? The peace that was sung by people in chains?

If not , perhaps, like Saul on the road to Damascus, you need to be struck down by that light.

Do not be afraid. That light does not come to destroy you. It comes to save you.

It will blind you for a time. It will shatter all your certainties. It will leave you sitting in darkness for a while. But when the scales fall from your eyes, you will see a brand new world , a world where you no longer need to stand on your own righteousness, a world upheld entirely by grace.

"Why are you persecuting me?" , perhaps today, the question is not about who you are persecuting, but about this: What are you resisting?

Are you resisting the admission that you cannot do it on your own? Are you resisting laying down your pride? Are you resisting a love greater than all your certainties?

Let go. Like me, fall down before that light.

And then you will hear Him call your name.

"Howbeit for this cause I obtained mercy, that in me first Jesus Christ might shew forth all longsuffering, for a pattern to them which should hereafter believe on him to life everlasting." (1 Timothy 1:16)

May the Lord who shone His light on me on the Damascus road also shine His light into your heart , your brother, Paul