我的主！我的神！

Dear brothers and sisters, I am Thomas, also called Didymus, which means "the Twin."

You probably know my nickname, "Doubting Thomas." For two thousand years, when people mention me, the first thought is "the disciple who didn't believe." But today I want to tell you the full story, not just the doubting side, but how doubt was swallowed up by grace.

I. Let Us Also Go, That We May Die with Him (John 11:16)

Before telling you about that famous doubt, let me tell you about something else first.

When the Lord Jesus decided to return to Judea to visit Lazarus, who had died, the disciples all urged him not to go, because the Jews had just tried to stone him. It was an extremely dangerous journey.

At that moment, I said to the other disciples:

"Then said Thomas, which is called Didymus, unto his fellowdisciples, Let us also go, that we may die with him." (John 11:16)

This was said by me, "Doubting Thomas." "Let us also go, that we may die with him." These are not the words of a coward; they are the declaration of one willing to die for his Lord. Brothers and sisters, before you see my doubt, first see my loyalty. I may not have been eloquent, may not have been as outwardly passionate as Peter, but when the Lord was heading toward death, I said "Let us also go", not "Let us persuade him not to."

When I said "Let us also go, that we may die with him," I meant it. I was not one for pretty words. My character was this: either don't speak, or speak and follow through. Later in Gethsemane, when the soldiers came to arrest Jesus, I ran like everyone else, that is the shame of my life. But that does not erase the sincerity of my heart when I first spoke those words. Human weakness does not negate human sincerity.

II. We Do Not Know Where You Are Going (John 14:5)

At the Last Supper, the Lord Jesus said he was going to prepare a place for us, saying "You know the way to where I am going." The other disciples sat in silence, perhaps too embarrassed to admit they didn't understand. But I could not pretend to understand what I didn't.

"Thomas saith unto him, Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how can we know the way?" (John 14:5)

This was an honest question, so honest that the other disciples were secretly grateful someone had asked on their behalf. And it was precisely because of my question that the Lord Jesus spoke those words that illuminate all human history: "Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6)

Brothers and sisters, if Thomas had not asked that "foolish" question, we would not have this precious verse. Honest questioning is not the enemy of faith, false certainty is. If you have questions in your heart, ask honestly. God is not afraid of your questions; he is afraid of you pretending you have none.

III. Unless I See, I Will Never Believe (John 20:24-25)

Then came that day. The Lord Jesus was crucified, died, and was buried. My world collapsed.

On the evening of the first day after the Sabbath, the disciples gathered in a room with the doors locked. The Lord Jesus came, stood among them, said "Peace be with you," and showed them his hands and side. The disciples all saw the Lord and were filled with joy.

But I was not there.

Why was I absent? Scripture does not say. Perhaps I was too grief-stricken and needed to be alone. Perhaps I was walking outside, trying to sort through my thoughts. Perhaps I could not face the other disciples, because all of us had abandoned the Lord in Gethsemane, and the shame made it hard to face my companions.

When they told me "We have seen the Lord," I said the words that would define me for all of history:

"The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the LORD. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe." (John 20:25)

"I will never believe.", Sounds stubborn, doesn't it? But please understand my situation. I had just experienced the greatest trauma of my life, I watched my Lord, my friend, my hope nailed to a cross and killed. I could not bear a second shattering of hope. If he had not truly risen, yet I believed, the pain of falling into that abyss again would be more fatal than the first time.

I did not refuse to believe, I was afraid to believe. Because the cost was too high.

And notice: my demand was not unreasonable. What I asked for was exactly what the other disciples had already received, to see the risen Lord with their own eyes. They did not believe because someone told them; they believed because they saw the Lord show them his hands and side. I was merely asking for equal treatment.

IV. My Lord and My God! (John 20:26-28)

Eight days passed. We were in that room again, and this time I was there too. The doors were shut.

Eight days. A full eight days. The Lord made me wait eight days. He did not come to find me the next day, not the third day, not the fifth. He let me wait in doubt for a full eight days. Those eight days were agonizing, the other disciples were all rejoicing while I struggled alone in darkness. But I understand now: those eight days were necessary. God sometimes makes us wait not because he doesn't care, but because he is doing deeper work in the waiting.

"And after eight days again his disciples were within, and Thomas with them: then came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, Peace be unto you. Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing." (John 20:26-27)

Brothers and sisters, do you know what this means? The Lord Jesus knew. He knew every word I had said, "the mark of the nails," "my finger," "his side", he knew it all. Though he was not in that room, he had heard every word, every sigh, every tear.

He did not bypass my doubt. He did not say "Thomas, you are not worthy to see me because you didn't believe." He directly met my need, extending his hands, letting me touch his nail marks. He came into the midst of my doubt and caught me with his scarred hands.

In that moment, I didn't need to touch. I didn't need anything anymore. Seeing him standing before me, those pierced hands, that wounded side, that gaze both gentle and majestic, all doubt collapsed in an instant. From my mouth burst forth the greatest confession of faith in all of Scripture:

"And Thomas answered and said unto him, My LORD and my God." (John 20:28)

"My Lord and my God!", This was not a vague acknowledgment. It was personal, intimate, ultimate. "My Lord! My God!" Not "their Lord," not "the God of Israel," but "mine." In all the Gospels, no disciple ever made such a direct, such a complete confession of Christ's deity. Peter had said "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God," but what I said was, "You are God."

Did I actually touch his wounds? Scripture does not record it. I can only say: the moment the Lord stood before me, whether I touched or not was utterly irrelevant. Like a lost child finding his father, you don't need to check his ID; the moment you see him, you know: it's him. The risen Christ has an irresistible reality, his presence itself is the strongest evidence.

I have often thought since: why didn't the Lord rebuke me? He could have said "O you of little faith," as he said to Peter. But he didn't. He simply extended his hands and tenderly met my need. This taught me something: the Lord treats each disciple differently. He knew Peter needed rebuke for alertness; he also knew I needed tenderness for healing. He knows each one of us more deeply than we know ourselves.

At the end of doubt, what you encounter is not an answer but a person, the risen Christ. The object of faith is not a set of doctrines, not a collection of evidence, but a living Lord.

V. Blessed Are Those Who Have Not Seen and Yet Have Believed (John 20:29)

The Lord Jesus spoke his final words to me:

"Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed." (John 20:29)

This is not a rebuke, it is a blessing. The Lord did not say "You believed too late" or "Your faith is inferior to the others'." He was saying: Thomas, you are blessed because you believed; but there is an even greater blessing, belonging to those who have not seen with their eyes and yet have believed.

Brothers and sisters, that is you. You have not placed your hand into the Lord's side. You have not seen the risen Christ standing before you with your own eyes, yet you believed. This faith is more blessed than mine, because it relies entirely on the inward witness of the Holy Spirit and the power of God's word, not on outward sensory experience.

Later I went to India to preach the gospel, establishing churches in that distant land, until I was martyred for the Lord. The one who once said "I will never believe" ultimately gave his life for the faith. This was not my strength, it was the power of grace. Those nail-scarred hands pulled me up from the abyss of doubt and sent me to the ends of the earth to bear witness for him.

The apostle Paul later wrote: "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us." I was that jar of clay, cracked through and through, but God's glory shone out precisely through the cracks.

Dear brothers and sisters, if you are struggling with doubt, do not be afraid, and do not pretend. Bring your questions honestly before the Lord. He is not afraid of your doubt, he will come into the midst of your doubt himself, extend those nail-scarred hands, and say to you: "Do not disbelieve, but believe."

Doubt is not the opposite of faith; unbelief is. Doubt is a necessary passage on the way to deeper faith. May you, like me, encounter the risen Lord at the end of your doubt, and then cry out from the depths of your heart: "My Lord and my God!"

Your brother, Thomas